Friday, May 13, 2005

Piling It On Adam Hardin

Who is this Adam Hardin, and why is he such a tool? In a comment to my last post, he wrote "Diagruntled [sic] MFA students? Some yes. But I was smart enough not to attend a [sic] MFA program which is [sic] for people who ca not [sic] read taught by people who can not [sic] write. We need snark frankly. American Literature is dead, and the Literati don't even know it. Wake up."

So you are lecturing a blogger named Snark who hosts a site called Poetry Snark to "wake up" because "we need snark." Gotcha. Maybe you want me to change the name of the site to "Really Snarky Poetry Snark" or "The Snarkiest Poetry Snark Snarking Ever!" Our wacky pal r.c. bald had this to say about Mr. Hardin and his proud shout-out:

"I say, dear chap, I have made use of that trapdoor of ubiquity, the google search engine, indeed, & in doing so discovered your membership in the Underground Literary Alliance, which, so far as my eye can discern, seems to base its cosmologies on the Truman Show & its poetics on the work of Charles Bukowski. Certainly, friends, the fodder for proclamation of the death of literature as we know it! I for one am a staunch disciple of such fervent leanings, & yes, yes, friends, I garner en masse my worldview from the great & insightful works of Jim Carrey (I think namely of the startling glimpses into the soul of man provided in "Ace Ventura" & "Dumb & Dumber") & base all of my literary inclinations on the life work of a frighteningly hirsute wart of a man whose words spilled out of him like so many drops of Milwaukee's Best Light (such lyric passages as "I'm drunk & I farted/ Pass me a whiskey"). No wonder, I should say, this chap feels only lifelessness when his fingers are on the pulse of such literature. How could anyone hope to surpass such brilliance?"

And an anonymous snarker added:

"Adam you are a broken fucking record.... American Lit is dead is dead is dead!...Go bury American Lit in the backyard. Or better, go write the revival. You foetry creeps just sing the same tune over and over again. You scenesters you."

But not even the foets will have anything to do with the mighty Adam Hardin. Foetry writes:

"Adam Hardin is a half-cocked blowhard and a buffoon, taking credit for the work of others. He should slink away and read some of his Neoshakespearians such as Don DeLillo and leave the real muckraking to the real writers."

Snark agrees, and as far as the Underground Literary Alliance goes, we think they should go a little further underground. What can you say about a group that feels the need to proclaim itself to be "controversial" at every opportunity? That they have a really ugly web site? Well, yes, that.

update: apparently the quote I cited above wasn't from foetry but from someone posing as foetry. The link is here (scroll to bottom of page). Anyone know who it was?

11 Comments:

Blogger Ginger Pennebaker said...

"They was mighty glad to see us, give us coffee and whiskey. We sit with them and they had a preacher, first one we had ever seen. We ain't seen white people since we left Arkansaw, he said. He was a wide shouldered big young fellow, had a clean face, had a neat mustache, had a firm lip, and a pretty but dull woman kind of hid behind him, and next he said, you boys working men? No, I said, after the surprise went."

"The Preacher"
An excerpt from "Tales of the Texas Gang" by Wild Bill Blackolive

So reads an excerpt from the treasure trove of underground literature available on the Underground Literary Alliance. Hmm... Well, first of all, what fucking "surprise"? But, aside from that, what illimitable description! What subtle flair for the colloquial mode! What...derivative, masculine, "Western" tripe! ULA claims that this work "is in the tradition of Melville." Sure, if only Melville had been a rambling idiot. Melville writes A WHOLE FUCKING CHAPTER on the fucking taxonomy of WHALES! No, "Wild Bill" is a more unpracticed, flat, and trite version of the prolific Western writer Louis L'Amour. Except his shit is truly unreadable. Your revolution, ULA, shall go down in a rain of fiery snark. If you think "Wild Bill" is working in the "biblical style," wait until you meet the full force of our angry God's critical hammer!

12:24 PM, May 13, 2005  
Blogger Adam Hardin said...

Let me say this Loud:

Readers and writers are tired of the fucking mediocrity produced by the workshop.

Curtis Sittenfeld

Rick Moody

Nicole Krauss

Heidi Julavits

Vendela Vida

Lilly Tuck

Michael Cunningham

David Gutterson

Aimee Bender

These people are mediocre writers at best.

We are also tired at seeing a good poet like Robert Pinsky sell out and become nothing more than a pimp for the bad workshop poets he helps to publish at slate. Monica Ferrell and Nicole Krauss for example. Tessa Rumsey is another example of a horrible poet.

And if you are Joyce Carol Oates and John Updike: Stop publishing you're poetry. Stay with short fiction and novels. You are not poets, and it is embarrassing to read your work.

We are tired. We are real fucking tired, and we are not going to take it anymore. We are going to overthrow this crap by getting real genius published, and by taking back the readers that you have lost to nonfiction.

Adam Hardin

ULA

10:32 AM, May 14, 2005  
Blogger Alan Cordle said...

Hi Snark,

I'm not sure where you got that quote you attribute to Foetry, but I never said it.

Thanks,
Alan

12:29 PM, May 14, 2005  
Blogger Snark said...

Yeah, the only thing worse than a "workshop poet" is a fiction writer from the Underground Literary Alliance. There is a reason why you aren't getting published, and it's not because of your imaginary M.F.A. conspiracy. It's because your writing licks skunk scrotums. In fact, an M.F.A. program might at least have one salutary effect on your writing. You just might pick up on some of the basics of spelling and grammar.

I got the quote from "foetry" here.

Scroll down to the bottom of the page. Somebody signed it "foetry.com." I assumed that was the author, but I guess not. Does anyone know who wrote this?

And by the way Adam, Robert Pinsky? Are you fucking kidding me? Inspired by your defense of Robert's Pinky, we will be snarking his tepid neo-formal wankery in depth soon.

12:58 AM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger steve barron said...

I've already said almost everything you're saying here at Snark *at Foetry* over a year ago.

RECOGNIZE.

You and Behrle are Mannerist snarks, sprung from the fertile head-ooze of Mallie Urn. Some would call you opportunistic bottomfeeders to my virtual iconoclasticism, but since you are extending the foetry tradition, and since I am worn out from my year of intense brawling, I give you my blessing.

Do you want to talk about "tools", why not snark Behrle? Afraid of the hate mail? It's easy to Snark Quiet, yo. Or people who will never hear of you, like Harryette Mullen. What the fuck was that, anyway? Harryette Mullen is a great poet! Why not snark fucking Marjorie Welish's WORD GROUP?

Don't be such a typical post-avant blogger Foetry-hater. You're exposing yourself as Snark for Snark's sake, and not Snark for the sake of Art, Beauty, & Truth.

Say what you want about Foetry, it's done its job. This site is a product of its victory.

5:28 AM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Snark said...

Barron,

You talking to me, punk, or Adam? If that was directed at moi--and was serious--know that this is snark for snark's sake. We're not interested in your precious beauty and truth, and if you think Foetry has some kind of copyright on Snark, you are one shortsighted wanker. And as we've said before, we will Snark anyone, anywhere, any school, any period, any time--including your lovely Miss Mullen. We are non-partisan--or rather, our partisanship lies with pure snark.

12:49 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger steve barron said...

Yes, twas directed at Snoi. I'll give you a moment to regain your composure. Because I'm nice.

1:05 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Snark said...

Barron says he is "nice." I thought as much.

4:43 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger Snark said...

And by the way, I have no idea who "Behrle" or "Mallie Urn" are. And in fact I've never posted at Foetry and have not for that matter even read their message boards. I had heard of Foetry and knew what their basic mission was, but I didn't need Foetry to point out the long-obvious fact that the poetry world is cronyish and many contests are rigged. I have no problem with the fundamental goal of Foetry, which, as I understand it, has been to expose poetry contests. My point is that you had to have been a bit of a tool to begin with to ever believe the world of contests was fair and impartial in the first place. It is Foetry that is in fact a tad on the redundant side.

But this kind of intra-blog carping quickly grows tedious. Back to the task at hand, shall we? Let the poetry snarking roll on...

6:41 PM, May 15, 2005  
Blogger steve barron said...

Snark on, mate.

12:29 AM, May 19, 2005  
Blogger chrisocook said...

Fuck the world. Yes, it is true that many MFA Poets just write shit like this over and over:

"the white birds triangulate the chiaroscuro afterbirth / of my grandmother's porcelain / whispering apologies for a century's worth of teastains."

But even that bullshit is preferable to the work of the MFA-haters, who just write shit like this over and over:

"Me drink whiskey on the beach / Why don't you blow me."

The only thing worse than someone perpetually in grad school possessed by a pathological terror of not being obscurely P.C. is someone perpetually in junior high possessed by a pathological terror of not being shocking. And by "shocking" I mean unable to go five lines without mentioning drugs/alcohol or saying "cunt." When Wordsworth said "the child is father of the man," I'm pretty sure he didn't mean those guys who were always smoking on the fire escape behind the Shop room.

In conclusion, I refuse to believe that my only options are going to an academic reading and hearing an anti-selfhood L.U.G. whisper some fucked-up crossword puzzle about peeling an orange or going to a slam and hearing an anti-revision nitrous-huffer scream a breakup poem at the top of his lungs while jumping up and down and doing whiteboy tai-chi shit with his hands.

9:52 AM, August 01, 2005  

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